Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
You Might Also Like
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.