Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
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After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
There are no pants in heaven.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway