My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
You Might Also Like
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Batman v Dracula
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Pat is about to own someone
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.