ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
You Might Also Like
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before