Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
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She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
HELP 😭
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
he’s doing your taxes
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.