*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
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I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
This fish is cracking me up