HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
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Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
me irl
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective