Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
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Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]