Fabio hasn’t aged a day
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I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!