My love language is hissing.
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*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix