What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
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Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Big Sex has us all fooled
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
And that about sums it up.