Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
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My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”