i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
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Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.