The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
You Might Also Like
My what?
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
uh oh
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?