we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
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Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
catch me on valentine’s day like
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis