Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
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OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.