Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
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Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.