Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
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When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Air pods looking like an angry frog
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.