Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
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OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.