COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
You Might Also Like
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.