them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
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I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.