Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
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The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.