When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
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Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.