Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
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Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.