Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
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Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
im all 3
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English