Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
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Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.