Left at a local drug store…
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GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom