I have never related to anyone more.
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Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃