I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
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Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.