At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
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Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.