stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
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[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?