I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
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Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Skills
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.