Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
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1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.