I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
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[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
That stupid look on my face, is my face