[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
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my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.