[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
You Might Also Like
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
my proudest tweet
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”