the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
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how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Not today. 😅
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
🤣🤣🤣
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Harsh but fair
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!