{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
You Might Also Like
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
it is time once again
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
I’m calling the cops.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *