Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
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SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.