I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
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The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need