Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
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I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
taking June’s advice to heart
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*