I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
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When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I can’t be the only one 😂
this is the best interaction on twitter
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right