When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
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It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
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If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
when you don’t want to be too vague
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.