approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
You Might Also Like
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Everyone’s family
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
peak technology
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill