You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
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I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
You are what you delete.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.