I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
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Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Siri: Retweet me.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.