RT if you know someone like this!!!
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6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name