Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
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cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
me when i see my girls butt
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Still laughing at this stupid meme
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*