Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
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I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists