I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
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*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off